This is what Im going through my mind at the time. (Even Lot was at a similar point in his life yet he lost alot more then I.) READERS I ADVICE THAT THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. If your offended, well, sorry, just stop and leave the page and put me on block, I have to let this out if not it'll end me. And I warn you, do not hold any of this against me, not even in the afterlife, this is a state that I have to let out and other works that will try to discourage me from God.

Short summary: I lost my brother recently, my grandma before that then my cousin before that, I'm jobless, struggling physically and mentally, and need God everyday if not I'll keep on thinking the way I do below until the devil has deeply erased everything which I have to do with God. This is tough for me, and I struggle this way daily. Sometimes even 2-4 times a day, if not all day having a like a huge debate in my head.
Read on.

Well, lately things have been very dissappointing, worried, regretful, confused, and sometimes a bit misunderstood. People say that it's best to let out everything in the open from thoughts to feelings, and on my behalf I only believe that it would discourage there (your) faith which is not what I intend to do.

I can only say this right now, that I just can't put up with it anymore. I honestly wish the rapture took place this instant, but I've been saying that for the longest as well. And to be honest I probably wouldn't even be caught up in the rapture though I do have many faults still in me. I've been praying and asking God to control this body and soul, while I just sit on the sidelines so that every action will be correct.

So how's my faith with God? I believe in him, he exists, creator of all, I love him. Though I do ask him what my point of existance is, why I was conceive and brought into the world, the same world satan has been casted into. Why he does these things I don't know, but I still don't understand the fact that he can come into my room, place his hand on me and send a bolt of what felt like lightening nearly throwing me off the bed, but not having been able to do the same with my brother the morning he passed away.

That morning, I laid my hands on him to pray that maybe a miracle would happen, but no, it didn't, did I not have enough faith? It's been mentioned that if we have faith the size of a grain of mustard we can move mountain's, but nothing happen that morning. When he was carried away I still kept on praying with my bible in my hand, but No, nothing happened.

Where did I go wrong?
Were my prayers not heard the night before, or the other night before, or the day that I annointed his door with oil.

What is it God, that you want from me?
You know well enough that I was suppose to be the one on that strecher after all the stuff I've done. He was a great brother, what did I do so wrong that you took him from us? Though what did he have to do with anything that I've ever done wrong? Why did you take him instead of me!

You have taken me into a deeper hole, will I be able to get out, Im not even sure that I could even look to the sky without being dissappointed.
You knew exactly how tough he had it, you couldn't even have the heart to give him a better life, us a better life, after all that stuff we've been through for your names sake, this heritage, this state of finance, and so on. I am tired of this, what do you want????

All "I've" pretty much asked for was a happy life, being able to have a nice family, great job, home, car, and to live debt free for once, with my brothers and you on our side until an old age (death). I even mentioned to you, that we could've been like Moses and my brother as Aaron, but no.

So what do you want from me now?
Would you like me to continue playing instruments and complete this CD? For what purpose would this be? I mean you have many other musicians as alway's, even many others better then myself, more experience and talented yet Im stuck here after these 24 years of playing drums through my entire life and a great majority of it was for your names sake.

I know you don't need me, though I don't know why I ever been given the breath of life. Oh Lord, why is it that you know our future but to many you have said to them that it would've been better if they weren't ever conceived. This is just tossing another soul, your creation into the pits of hell.

See, and the difference from me and Lot, is that I'm not Lot, I am also not Jacob, and I am definitely not you. I am me, another person, another soul, and were all unique in our own ways. Though we are still apart of you

But do as you wish cause my way's the majority of times are wrong.

What do you want from me?
Is there something you need?
What is it?
Where do I begin?
Why not me?
I'm exhausted from all this.



Well, alot of people ask me, why I'm not married or have kids yet at this age.
Well, here it goes, this is why:
I do want a wife, just a wife. Someone who can be with me on my side someone to travel with, be with, and will help me stay focus on God first and vise versa with her.

But children...
Well... no, I don't want children and this is why. I don't want them to see what I've seen, go through what I've been through, and deal with what this world offers. I mean, I wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that if the child gets lost and doesn't seek God that he/she will be cast into an eternal damnation, so no. Children are beutiful, lovely, and fun to be around with, but the same time I get that feeling of being worried about when they get older. I do not want to see my own flesh and blood thrown into darkness.
Yeah, though I have gotten people telling me, well that's part of life. Or, don't worry about there future they'll be fine. I'd rather not risk it, and what if I pass away before they reach a certain age or there mother leaves. Then the argueements between the parents and so on.
I'd prefer a fish or not even that, maybe a plant or just a nano-pet. But no children, I feel bad enough as it is.

Updated September 27, 2008

It seemed like a movie because I was the third person watching what was taking place in the scenes.

I was laying on this bed, and across me was another role of beds. One of the beds there was this guy, he was demoned possessed. He was trying to break fee acting wildly like a wild animal. Sudden some guy walks by from my left to the right through a doorway. The possessed man broke freely through the ropes and began to chase the other man. As he passed the doorway, a little child ran through the opposite direction away from the scene.

In the next part of the dream I was in a closet laying down hidden behind a plant. The guy that was being chased showed up and started looking through his tool boxes and other boxes quickly that were in the closet. I asked him "What are you doing?", he replied "I am looking for something". I heard someone coming so I grabbed one of the plants and pulled them above so I may not be in the scene of this movie or someone elses life. Then the guy who arrived behind him asked him, "What are you looking for?". And he replied the same thing "I am looking for something". But I knew exactly what he was looking, it was answers, a bible.

On the next scene of the dream, I was what seemed like a bar, but there were no beer or any other sorts of things, just alot of people all facing the same direction. But behind me, which somehow I was able to see my carnal self from a spiritual point of view just above myself. Then from behind of the crowd behind my carnal self there were people making way for some reason. It couldn't be seen, but as closer as it got to me I then made way as well. Once it reached the front row it happened to be somekind of creature, not like any I've ever seen. It was made of flesh, had a huge mouth with sharp teeth, it's ears small and pointy, his eye's a quarter way to the back of his head kinda like a whale or shark would have them, his entire head was shaped like a football almost, huge, about armwidth and it's height was just above my chest.

Once I got a clear view of him, he tried to jump at me... then I awoke.

**I layed wondering what the dream was about, waited a few, then a huge fear started to come my way, so I then decided to get on my kneeds and pray. Once I finished praying and layed back down to sleep around 3am, I felt a huge calm, wind like presence in my room, my eye's were closed but I would sometimes see a glimpse of bright light every now and then, so bright that unlike any light we see, that when we see it with our eye's close we still have to squint our eye's. This like was the presence of God. I felt comfort, peace and safe the rest of the night and alway's.

Updated: June 3rd 2008

6 Months Ago
The room was filled with computers and printers as if in a tight office space. There were people of many types all nicely dressed in suits.

Walking towards the back, to an open computer, I asked the Rabbi next to me if it was available. I began printing the membership of the church after unloading it from my zip drive. Then decided to browse the web and I spotted a hebrew bible pdf file that I decided to print. I was excited for my finding, that I immediately started printing.

As I printed the Torah (Toraj), I scanned the room to see what machines were doing the printing, since there were so many printers. I looked behind me, and the Torah was printing, then to my left across the room I spotted not just one copy of the memberships but thousands, and many more were printing from the machine. Also from the machine were other objects, tools or utencils that were coming out from the same printer as it printed.


3 Months Ago
In my dream I had appeared like in a field, standing within a mutlitued of people all facing toward one direction. Across from us was another multitude of people though they were facing toward our direction. There appearance was normal but looking dead, there clothes looked torn and worned out. They seemed angry though standing disordely and provoking as if ready to attack. They were pale looking or as if they have been beaten.

I then looked at ourselves, we were armed in full armor. This armor wasn't like any armor we seen. It was made of pure gold like, though it shined more then gold. Our shield was just the same, and so was the blade. The armor glowed brightly like the sun. I looked around some more and no one seem to have make a movement. I kept observing the area, looking to see if I recognized anyone. Then I spotted a woman just a head of me in front looking around curiously as I.

Then afterwards I or someone not sure who, had shot an arrow toward the multitude ahead of us hitting one and causing him to vanish.

Then I awoke.


3 Months Ago
We were walking toward a bus, one night, some guy and this girl and I. They were walking in front of me, both of them as a couple and I in the back. I had and have no attraction to her whatsoever, but what was unusual was that as they were walking in front of me. She looked back, and kissed me.

All of a sudden the guy whom she was with grab a hold of his stomach, leaned forward as if he were going to crouch, then all of a sudden he vanished right before us. I looked around and then it hit me, "The Rapture". So as I stood there, I began to look towards the heavens and what I saw was astonishing. The dark cloudy sky was filled with Souls and Angels, the Angels were holding each one of the souls by there hand. It was a multitud cause I couldn't count how many there were, but the sky was filled.

The Angels were of different types, some of them had across there chest gold **ribbon** and looked like Cherubims. There wings were thick, white, and huge, I was able to see the detail on the wings, how they moved just like a doves, and it's white feathers. They were all heading toward the same direction but there were so many of them that they looked like clouds. The souls had been transformed, all dressed in white and were as white as the clouds when the light of the full moon shines on them.

Suddenly, the scene changed, I was in a place, more like a huge room or apartment of some sort. There were people of all types, some were worried, others just partying hanging out, drunk, argueeing, and some alone in corners still shocked of what had occurred. I then began preaching to them, telling them what had happened, describing it to them word by word. Then one of them had got up and attacked me trying to choke me in a headlock position hoping to toss me to the ground. When trying to do so he stopped suddenly as if he couldn't do it, then his anger left him. Others in the room mocked me, laughed about what I was describing to them, as I preached and warned them about what was up ahead. Then I spotted a teen heading toward the balcony and sitting with her knees to her chest, on the floor. I went out and spoke to her, and it seemed that before the rapture that I had spoken to her before that the Lord could come back at any moment for us, warning her. Which my words out of my mouth when I spoked to her, were "Hey, didn't I speak to you about the rapture about a week ago?". After that moment I just comforted her, letting her know that we still have another chance, and not to give up.


Jan 30, 2008
2 nights ago I had a short dream.
I was walking from my room to the kitchen, spotted my little brother on my right standing near the kitchen table. He then went his way towards his room. I then looked at the table and spotted a little bow of nachos from 7-11, before I could say anything I looked up a bit and a huge bowl had appeared. So then, I decided to grab a piece of it, then I awoke.
They looked tasty too, with lots of cheese just the way I liked them.

Anyway's, this dream had just became reality. We are struggling at the moment, the little bowl of nachos was the financial situation we are in, the larger bowl was of a greater blessing heading our way and I was getting a piece of it so it could help with our financial struggle. Though today this did happen my brother was in the same spot as I dreamed and the financial struggle has been taken care of. Though, in no time there will be a greater blessing which will help us all to get our new lives started.
Thank you Lord for the answered prayer's, visions and dreams. I love you with all my heart.

Jan 17, 2008

Lastnight my dream was a bit odd. I was at this cookout or party of a gathering of some sort. The sceneries would change from my home to 2 other places.

First room was filled with old friends, and some other friend musicians I knew, it seemed as if I were lookingfor someone. I then left the room or garage which had been made into a hangout room having a couch guitar, and etc...

One home was full of elders sitting around as in having a conversation and one was behind a piano. I walk in and they just simply looked at me, gave a little smirk but there was no conversation. So when

I went into another home after going out the door, this home was filled with people my age, some I knew others I never met at all. At the end of this large living room walking through a tight crowd there was a famous musician whom still exist today. And outside across the street looking though the window I could see his car which was costumized and non of which I've ever seen in this world. We didn't talk nor have a conversation though, he would simply avoid me.

Then after awhile I went outside where people younger then I were, some I knew in school, some relatives and other were kids I never met nor seen. So the ages probably ranged from 5 - 24.

One of the kids came up to me and asked if I knew him, I for some reason responded as if I did know him though I didn't but I thought I knew his sister cause she use to ride the bus with me. But still, I don't know for sure if she really had a brother.

Anyway's, suddenly this snake appeared, and it went inside this tube climbing slightly upwards into it as if afraid. The kid that I was conversating with saw it too, he grabbed a torch lighter and lit up the tube from both ends desenagrating the snake.

Then a bit after, the famous musician was driving around in his car back and forth showing it off to an old friend, I walked to check it out and then I awoke.


Jan. 20, 2008
This is another dream I had when I was around 7-12 years old.
I suddenly appeared near an overpass running down the side of the freeway towards the service road at high noon. I crossed the road and ran behind the two white buildings which were abandon. I then took a peek around the corner of the building after catching my breath and I spotted two men dressed in black with an ear piece. They had stopped at there place and spoke between themselves wondering which direction I headed.

Then the dream changed and I was on an overpass with my family, huddled together holding each other tightly while we looked south towards Dallas. There had happen to be a huge earthquake, buildings were crumbling apart, planes had lost control because of the shift of winds some had even flewn into buildings. Many vehicles around us were in wreckage, smoke, flames, and some abandon. An overpass near downtown, where the earthquake hit the strongest, had collapsed. We all stayed together and kept praying that God may spare us and protect us from this disaster.
Then I awoke.


Jan. 16 2008
About 6 month's ago a sunday morning at church, I was standing in front of the kitchen entrance facing east towards the main church doorway. The light coming from the window in the kitchen was getting bright, then suddenly these two figures appeared. One was of a woman sillouette holding the hand of a little boy, silloutte as well, I couldn't make out there faces, nor did they say anything. They were just standing there with a white bright glow around them.

Jan.14 2008,
I had a dream. That I saw myself laying on the end of a bed on my left side, and when I move in for a closer look to see what I was doing, their was a baby boy. The baby was laughing and giggling cause I was tickleing his stomach. He had the same skin tone as I and only wearing a diaper. Strange cause I don't have any children, and nephews are way too old to where diapers.

Jan 15, 2008
My cousin and I were in her car, driving away or trying to hide from being tracked or found by the people or government. Though I do remember having the radio on hearing a voice of some dictator demanding that the citizens would get involved on catching those whom are unmarked with a reward. We needed to make a phone call and get in touch of relatives around the area or so to see if any were still alive or well. Apparently the time I was in was when christians and rebels were being persecuted for not having the mark.

We pulled up behind this restaraunt which use to be called "Royal's" located behind a Shemrock gas station in Frisco on four corners. Place was filled with cars, so we had to park in the back in order to use the payphone, since the cell phones were being monitored. But then I remembered reading in the paper that AT&T had decided to take away payphones due to the rise of cell phone usage.

I woke up.

This dream occured 1 1/2 or 2 years ago.

Took place in the city of Frisco, where we use to live by our old house were these government homes. My brothers, my little brothers girlfriend, and I were in hiding in the old government home at the far south on 2nd street where some friends use to live.

The windows were boarded up with 2x4's from the outside, but the electricity was still running in the place. The sun was barely setting, everyone was in the kitchen. There wasn't that much furniture, just a table, an old entertainment center where the 20" tv sat and a few chair's, 2 in the kitchen one where the dining area was and the table. The tv was on but the same thing was on every channel. The emergency channel was playing constantly, with constant broadcast from the dictator trying to bring peace to the world, after some destruction had taken place and whatever else had happened. But I heard him reveal himself stating he was the Anti-christ and that he was in control.

7 - 9 years old

My father an I were in the old monte carlo we use to have. We had parked the car in front of the church. Which the building use to be located a block and a half away from our home at a park in Frisco at the end of first street.

We got off the car to unload the guitar from the trunk for service that day. The day kept getting brighter so then I looked up, and behind my father I saw Jesus on a cloud decending from heaven. I pointed and shouted to my father, "Ya vino Jesus", he looked up then I awoke.

Dream occured when I was probably 5 - 6 years old.

Im at this old church we use to go to in Mc Kinney. Then I noticed through the windows that it got completely dark outside, a cloud just covered the sky making it into complete darkness. Then lightning which was as nothing as we see in a storm was bright and red after every strike. It was continuesly thundering wasnt the same either it was like a huge roar. I felt the ground trembling and the building shifted a bit which I then hid under the pews because of the falling debris. As Im laying there with my knees against my chest, the ground shook some more, the floor cracks and split open. The only light coming was from below. Through the cracks you can see the reflection of the firing magma below. Then I awoke.